i can't believe i'm jealous/envious of a silly childish little girl. what a stupid little girl. while i don't exactly want what she has. i wish someone could look at me the way her someone looks at her. the way that someone wants to take photos of her. that every moment she breathes is special. is a magical moment. i see a few like that. in awe, in joy. and because i do feel that, i am grateful enough.
sometimes i really think if i did vanish from e face of e earth one day. no one would notice for quite awhile at least. because of the way i've shut myself in these few years, because my heart is spread out across the world, in singapore, in london, in michigan, in san francisco, in nottingham, in cambridge, and so many more.. i feel like i'm living something of a fragmented life. its been diced and carved into many little pieces. some larger, some smaller, and i don't feel quite so whole anymore. and its like everyone has to come home, or i have to go around, to pick them up, and attempt to sew them together again.
and while i don't regret (i try to never regret) the way i've lived my life these few years. hell i've been happier than i've ever been. there are (albeit rare) moments of desolation. like when i was sitting in the dublin airport, watching this belgian boy taking photos of his girlfriend sleeping and this spanish group of friends trying to get as many seats together & cuddling together so that all could squeeze onto e seats and sleep.. the feeling of loneliness struck me harder than ever before.
but its something that we all have to go through right. being alone. for most of us come into this world alone, and in e same we leave. e feeling strikes me. it stings, it definitely does. but i don't fear it, nor do i hate it. its just there. and though it might get me down. i wouldn't change it for all the things i've got to experienced, see & lived. its a consequence i'm willing to take (:
i'm not the kind of girl who will be happy to live my life as a form of reaction to my significant other's life. call me independent or selfish. i just can't see myself living like that. and i never have.
too many musings. though i must say they aren't really angsty musings. just contemplative ones i suppose.
sometimes i really think if i did vanish from e face of e earth one day. no one would notice for quite awhile at least. because of the way i've shut myself in these few years, because my heart is spread out across the world, in singapore, in london, in michigan, in san francisco, in nottingham, in cambridge, and so many more.. i feel like i'm living something of a fragmented life. its been diced and carved into many little pieces. some larger, some smaller, and i don't feel quite so whole anymore. and its like everyone has to come home, or i have to go around, to pick them up, and attempt to sew them together again.
and while i don't regret (i try to never regret) the way i've lived my life these few years. hell i've been happier than i've ever been. there are (albeit rare) moments of desolation. like when i was sitting in the dublin airport, watching this belgian boy taking photos of his girlfriend sleeping and this spanish group of friends trying to get as many seats together & cuddling together so that all could squeeze onto e seats and sleep.. the feeling of loneliness struck me harder than ever before.
but its something that we all have to go through right. being alone. for most of us come into this world alone, and in e same we leave. e feeling strikes me. it stings, it definitely does. but i don't fear it, nor do i hate it. its just there. and though it might get me down. i wouldn't change it for all the things i've got to experienced, see & lived. its a consequence i'm willing to take (:
i'm not the kind of girl who will be happy to live my life as a form of reaction to my significant other's life. call me independent or selfish. i just can't see myself living like that. and i never have.
too many musings. though i must say they aren't really angsty musings. just contemplative ones i suppose.
good luck and good night. 7:55 AM
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